Same Man, Different Name: Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong Men

When we polled our community, 56% of you said you felt stuck in a financial trap, so that’s where we spent most of this series. But 44% of you said you were stuck in a relationship trap. I waited until the end to ease into this one, because I’ve been known to be a tough coach. I’ve never called myself a relationship coach, but I take pride in overcoming several bad relationships.

The problem was me

Why did I keep attracting unavailable men? Cheaters? Broke men who couldn’t take care of me?

When I finally got honest, the answer was a hard pill to swallow. It wasn’t them. It was me.

If you want to live a soft life, you can’t keep going from one bad relationship to the next. You don’t mind working and paying your own bills. What you mind is paying his.

Your outside is a mirror of your inside

So I stopped dating. No going out, no entertaining anybody. I took that time to figure out what was going on inside me.

I read self-help books, a whole library of them. Somewhere around book 40 or 45 of them, I realized they were all saying the same thing: look at you. Work on you.

I asked myself why I kept attracting men who weren’t faithful. The answer was that I wasn’t being faithful to myself. I was lying to myself about a whole lot of things.

And I had to go back further. When I was 9 or 10, my biological father told me he wasn’t my daddy. He is. I don’t know why he said it, but it planted a seed in me. I kept attracting men who weren’t available, because I never had a relationship with my father. I’d been married and divorced twice before I figured that out. I’m on my third and final husband now.

You know the Maya Angelou quote: when people show you who they are, believe them. Here’s my twist on it. They’re actually showing you who you are. You attract who you are, not what you want.

Become the woman you want to date

During the day I kept busy. But late at night, all I thought about was what I didn’t have. Where is he? Where is my life partner?

So every time that feeling of lack came up, I replaced it with this: I am becoming the right person. I’m becoming the person I want to date.

Then I started dating myself. Movies alone. Five-star restaurants alone, dressed up. I even bought a ticket to a Valentine’s Day dinner party at a nice club, with a live band and everything. Hair done, nails done, I was clean. I didn’t realize until I sat down that it was couples everywhere and I was the only one at a table alone. The side-eyes those ladies gave me! But I was loving on me so much that I felt like I was in a relationship.

At home, I fixed his plate at dinner, lit a candle, and said my grace. I moved all my clothes into one closet and left his side open. I went to bed in nice lingerie, smelling good. I didn’t have a man yet. I was mentally preparing for him.

Stop cheating on yourself

If you don’t want to attract a cheater, stop cheating on yourself. When you say you’re going to do something, do it. Not for a couple of days and then quit. No more cheat meals in any area of your life.

And if you’re tired of attracting men who aren’t financially ready, get financially ready for you. Buy the car you want. Take yourself to the nice restaurant. Stop waiting on a man to buy you the things you can buy yourself.

We teach people how to treat us. If you’re not good to yourself, why would you expect anyone else to be?

Then came the test

After about a year of working on me, I met my husband. We’ve been together 10 years now. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all (watch the replay for that part 😉).

But after you do the inner work, you will be tested. I found out he wasn’t single, and I ended it immediately.

Then a girlfriend who’d been happily married for over 20 years gave me some advice. And remember what I told you earlier in this series: never take advice from someone you wouldn’t trade lives with. Her, I would have traded lives with. So I listened.

I’ll tell you what she said tomorrow.

For you today

• Take yourself on a date this week. Dress up. Go somewhere nice. Alone.
• Make one promise to yourself and keep it. Every day. No cheat days.
• Check your advice. Before you take relationship advice from anyone, ask: would I trade lives with her?