Why Women Struggle to Be Soft (It's Not What You Think)
For decades we were everybody's safety net. Now we're told to be soft. Here's how I learned to soften, and how you can create your own safety.
Women who have spent years building careers, raising families, managing households, and making sure everyone else is okay may find it hard to simply “be softer.” After decades of carrying responsibility, letting go can feel unfamiliar. Not because independence is wrong, but because it has become part of who you are.
In this conversation, Dr. TMac reflects on her experience of raising two sons on her own and becoming intentionally “rough around the edges.” She felt she needed to be strong and firm while raising her boys. When her children became adults, some of that roughness eased, though she was still used to handling her own bills and responsibilities.
Independence can become an identity
When Dr. TMac met her now-husband, she was used to living independently. It took her about six months to decide to move in with him. One thing that made her reconsider was his offer to take care of the bills. She had been paying bills since she was 18, so accepting that kind of support meant adjusting to a different way of living.
She describes that transition as unraveling the identity of being an independent woman. That identity had served her, but it also came with habits and a harder exterior she had to examine.
Safety can make softness feel natural
For Dr. TMac, feeling safe helped softness come more naturally. She still worked as a nurse, but she also felt financially secure with her partner. That sense of security allowed her to relax further.
Her point isn’t that women should give up independence or leadership. Rather, she questions what it means to ask someone to soften when she has spent years being the safety net for others.
Create your own sense of safety
You don’t have to wait for a partner to build a life that feels safer and more peaceful. Dr. TMac encourages women to set boundaries, follow through on their yes and no, and create friendships that reflect their values and interests.
She also emphasizes the importance of relationships with people who celebrate your wins, respect your peace, and don’t turn everything into a competition. Being in a room where you don’t have to explain or diminish yourself can make a real difference.
A softer life, in her view, isn’t about escaping reality. It’s about creating a reality you want to live in and nurturing connections that bring more love, laughter, and peace into the life you’ve built.
We should all be rich friends. — Dr. TMac